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JustTrying
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would you add him on birth certificate

Jul 3rd, 2017, 13:35 PM   #1
 
So Im going to try to keep this as concise as possible but its important to illustrate this well.
Been with o/h for 2 years.
Initially I gathered he was obsessed with ex, continuously spoke of her (they have 2 children together) and wished she never find a new partner otherwise his children would miss out on her attention.
At one point he admitted to treating her better than he treated me in this relationship which ended up causing alot of resentment on my part.
He has been utterly controlling, I have lost contact with alot of friends. He not only takes full rent from me but he has manipulated me into paying him money from my savings account (for which I am saving for a house) without any care/concern of my dreams.
Everything is about him/his needs.
I always felt I lost apart of myself since being with him and he's denied my basic needs in terms of sexual, emotional, physical etc.
We decided to go through IVF treatment which he cancelled TWICE and said I dont deserve to be a mother and should be sterilized.
I conceived naturally and I am 9 weeks pregnant.
Since being pregnant he has shown no affection/care and has been very harsh towards me, such as making me lift heavy furniture, suggesting I am lying in relation to my symptoms etc.
Last week we had a major argument and I threatened to not add him to the birth certificate so he got angry and threw all of my belongings out. I snapped and during this row, I ended up breaking his door window.
He grabbed my car keys, contacted the police and got me arrested. He wanted me convicted. I stayed in cell overnight and in the morning I was released with caution. The police officers described him as an "arsehole" because he was talking about me like I am just a stranger hes hooked up with a few times.
Since then I have been living in shelter accomodation. Thankfully I have a job and car so I will get up on my feet again.
Since then he's made it clear he wants no contact with me and hes not interested in attending the scans but he wants to be contacted when I am in labour and wants to be added on birth certificate.
He has refused to contribute any of the large baby items such as pram etc.
Ofcourse there were good moments but he's an uncomprising person, he even refused to create a new nursery for a baby. It might not be his first child but it is MY FIRST child and I want everything new/fresh. It's exciting to me.
He wanted to use old cot/pram from his previous children but this does not sit well with me and I am not okay with him using this tat if he has access to our child.
Also he owes me 2750, and I want this money back as it would help me immensely.
Would you contact him when you go into labour? I really want to do the right thing but he has absolutely used me in this entire relationship. He has no regret for anything and blames me for everything that has happened.
 
 

 
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Ser19
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Jul 3rd, 2017, 13:45 PM   #2
 
Hello, congratulations on your pregnancy!!

This is entirely your choice and only you know what is best! I always said that it is wrong for mums not to let dads have access to baby unless they are abusive/violent, however, reading this, I just kept thinking that he doesn't deserve to be a part of baby's life when they arrive, if he's making no effort beforehand. This isn't just your pregnancy, it's his too and he should be caring for you throughout, even if you aren't together.

I'd speak with the people who know you best, your family, friends etc. If this was me, I would be very straight to the point and tell him that if he wants to be at the birth and on the birth certificate, he will come to all the appointments, and will contribute his 50% (money and emotionally) now and after the birth.

This is a bit deal and one that only you can make, but I hope this helps xx
 
 
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JustTrying
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Jul 3rd, 2017, 13:49 PM   #3
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ser19 View Post
Hello, congratulations on your pregnancy!!

This is entirely your choice and only you know what is best! I always said that it is wrong for mums not to let dads have access to baby unless they are abusive/violent, however, reading this, I just kept thinking that he doesn't deserve to be a part of baby's life when they arrive, if he's making no effort beforehand. This isn't just your pregnancy, it's his too and he should be caring for you throughout, even if you aren't together.

I'd speak with the people who know you best, your family, friends etc. If this was me, I would be very straight to the point and tell him that if he wants to be at the birth and on the birth certificate, he will come to all the appointments, and will contribute his 50% (money and emotionally) now and after the birth.

This is a bit deal and one that only you can make, but I hope this helps xx
thank you - i just want to do the right thing and not have any regrets later.

I emailed him on Saturday asking him to attend all scans and contribute 25% towards all the bigger items - received no response.

My scan is in 3 weeks so let's see if he turns up.

I spoke to my mother and she was quite clear that this is not about my feelings nor his feelings, this is about the baby and the baby's needs come first.
 
 

 
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snowbee
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Jul 3rd, 2017, 17:22 PM   #4
 
I would usually say if he is the father he should be on the certificate and your child should know who he is even if there is no contact as it is unfair on the child otherwise. Being on the certificate gives him no extra rights to the child. In your situation I would go no contact with him other than to give updates on the welfare of the baby. Go through official channels to get him to pay his share and get a proper agreement in place for access. You cannot dictate what equipment he uses when he has the baby, it is up to him. If you think your baby is in danger then request that he only has supervised access.

With regard to labour would you find it more stressful with him there? I think he should know as soon as the baby is born but if he was likely to turn up and cause a fuss while you are in labour I may not tell him until the baby is born.
 
 

 
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JustTrying
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Jul 4th, 2017, 10:26 AM   #5
 
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Originally Posted by snowbee View Post
I would usually say if he is the father he should be on the certificate and your child should know who he is even if there is no contact as it is unfair on the child otherwise. Being on the certificate gives him no extra rights to the child. In your situation I would go no contact with him other than to give updates on the welfare of the baby. Go through official channels to get him to pay his share and get a proper agreement in place for access. You cannot dictate what equipment he uses when he has the baby, it is up to him. If you think your baby is in danger then request that he only has supervised access.

With regard to labour would you find it more stressful with him there? I think he should know as soon as the baby is born but if he was likely to turn up and cause a fuss while you are in labour I may not tell him until the baby is born.

being on the certificate gives him lots of rights and equal parental responsibility and my only concern is that he's going to cause problems for me as I have plans on how to raise my child as I will be the dominant parent.

People say things in anger and he has said numerous times that I should get an abortion and on the final night he said "I wish the baby dies in your stomach" - this is the most hurtful thing he could have said and Im sure he regrets it now but I just cannot shake it. Even thinking about it makes me cry. Yes he loves his other children, hes not a disciplinarian and his kids back chat and can be very rude. I have opposing views when it comes to parenting so thats another conflict altogether.

In all of this, I still think it's important for a child to have an active father in their life and thats where the dilemma is.

doing the right thing might end up causing me alot of misery in the future and I just dont know what to do.
 
 

 
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Emily0505
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Jul 4th, 2017, 10:57 AM   #6
 
Unless you think that the child will be at risk then I think you should put him on the birth certificate.

Him using second hand equipment or having a different parenting style to yours is not a reason to keep him from his child.

Certainly sounds as though the two of you have issues with each other and things have been said and done on both sides which shouldn't have been. If you were to say that he had gotten so angry he'd broken your door and gotten arrested then everyone would be up in arms and no doubt telling you to take your child and run for the hills, supervised access etc. It's my opinion that, that type of behaviour is unacceptable regardless of who it is, so I think you need to accept responsibility for your poor actions in this situation too.

It's most important to think about the baby in all of this and what is going to be best for him/her. Just because the two of you don't get on anymore, doesn't mean that he won't be an amazing dad. You may have to make life more difficult or uncomfortable for yourself but if that's what it takes to do what's best for your baby then so be it and you've just got to suck it up and get on with it.

Good luck and I hope you can get things sorted out.

XX
 
 

 
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JustTrying
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Jul 4th, 2017, 11:47 AM   #7
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily0505 View Post
Unless you think that the child will be at risk then I think you should put him on the birth certificate.

Him using second hand equipment or having a different parenting style to yours is not a reason to keep him from his child.

Certainly sounds as though the two of you have issues with each other and things have been said and done on both sides which shouldn't have been. If you were to say that he had gotten so angry he'd broken your door and gotten arrested then everyone would be up in arms and no doubt telling you to take your child and run for the hills, supervised access etc. It's my opinion that, that type of behaviour is unacceptable regardless of who it is, so I think you need to accept responsibility for your poor actions in this situation too.

It's most important to think about the baby in all of this and what is going to be best for him/her. Just because the two of you don't get on anymore, doesn't mean that he won't be an amazing dad. You may have to make life more difficult or uncomfortable for yourself but if that's what it takes to do what's best for your baby then so be it and you've just got to suck it up and get on with it.

Good luck and I hope you can get things sorted out.

XX

I do accept responsibility and you are correct, it is unacceptable. I have never resorted to any such ill behavior before so even I shocked myself. Ive said some nasty things too so absolutely not an angel, not in a million years.

I know I keep coming back with excuses it seems but I have seen him tell him children that their mother wanted them aborted when she found out they were boys. It's things like that which scare me. On the one hand, he loves his children immensely and on the other hand hes using the children as tools/weapons to use against the mother.

He doesnt buy the kids clothes/shoes, he doesnt spend on them, he doesnt do their homework with them. He rarely buys food they enjoy. He's just a father whos there for the good times.

I am willing to make life difficult for me if it benefits my child, most definitely.
 
 

 
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Emily0505
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Jul 4th, 2017, 12:03 PM   #8
 
It's a horrible situation to be in and I hope that the two of you can come to a satisfactory resolution.

All the best with your pregnancy hun.

XX
 
 

 
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JustTrying
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Jul 4th, 2017, 12:19 PM   #9
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily0505 View Post
It's a horrible situation to be in and I hope that the two of you can come to a satisfactory resolution.

All the best with your pregnancy hun.

XX
thankyou, appreciate the kind words.

I hope we do too and theirs no malice on any side.

The babys needs come first
 
 

 
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PeanutButter
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Jul 4th, 2017, 18:58 PM   #10
 
I'd put him on the birth certificate... I thought it was illegal not to give the proper info for that?
As for second hand stuff as said it's up to him (I wouldn't like it either as I've herd you need to change the mattress with each child) but theres not alot you can do.

I sympathise with you because my sister is in a similar relationship (she got an abortion tho) she's still with him though. He treats her like shit and has kids with his ex who he compares her with constantly. I'm glad you got out of the relationship I kinda see it as mental abuse.
I can see why you broke his door because a person can only take so much before they crack imo. But now your dealing with the consequences, I don't think he should have had you arrested though, I think that's a cunty thing to do.
All you can do is whatever you think is best for the baby (no one's perfect) x
 
 

 
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JustTrying
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Jul 5th, 2017, 12:42 PM   #11
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by PeanutButter View Post
I'd put him on the birth certificate... I thought it was illegal not to give the proper info for that?
As for second hand stuff as said it's up to him (I wouldn't like it either as I've herd you need to change the mattress with each child) but theres not alot you can do.

I sympathise with you because my sister is in a similar relationship (she got an abortion tho) she's still with him though. He treats her like shit and has kids with his ex who he compares her with constantly. I'm glad you got out of the relationship I kinda see it as mental abuse.
I can see why you broke his door because a person can only take so much before they crack imo. But now your dealing with the consequences, I don't think he should have had you arrested though, I think that's a cunty thing to do.
All you can do is whatever you think is best for the baby (no one's perfect) x
Its not illegal which I am surprised about myself.
Yeah the second hand stuff is a moan, theres nothing I can do about it.

I know Ive mentioned negatives in here which people do (and certain posters thrive on to insult others) but thats not to say we didnt have a good relationship at times ofcourse. Sometimes, abuse isnt in your face, it's subtle/discreet and you are blind to it until you are outside looking in. If you asked him the question, he will genuinely believe he is not abusive because thats probably just how his mindset is. Not making excuses but sometimes it's not straight forward.

Yes the police business was unnecessary and it could have been resolved between us.

Im surprised your sister is still with him? Probably due to the same reasons above. Are they planning to have children together?

Thank you for understanding and not being so judgy and understanding from my POV.
 
 

 
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KHTW
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Jul 6th, 2017, 12:12 PM   #12
 
Sorry you have to go through all this x

I would NOT put his name on the birth certificate. If he wants to have a relationship with the baby he will even tho his name is not on it. My fathers name was on mine and he did not want to be involved at all.
 
 

 
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mylullaby
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Jul 6th, 2017, 13:40 PM   #13
 
Abuse is I'm abuse I'm afraid, so although you say there were some good times, if you were in an abusive relationship then it's highly likely that those times were calculated and just enough to keep you hanging onto a bad relationship.

It sounds like you're having a really tough time of it. Living in a shelter must be really hard for you and not how any of us would expect our first pregnancy to work out. It would be nice if other posters could show a little compassion for your circumstances and maybe not post at all if they can't show some kindness.

In your position I would probably not put him on the birth certificate. I would 100% definitely not contact him when going into labour so he could fuck around getting involved in the birth. That really is the LAST thing you need! You need someone who can totally and unquestionably support you during labour and immediately after the birth. The health of you and your baby is paramount at this time and you don't want this twat around you when you're at your most vulnerable. Don't agree to visits until you feel ready. And obviously any contact between father and baby will be gradual, supervised initially (baby will be too young to leave you for a while) and at agreed times. If you can't arrange this between you, mediation or court may be needed. Obviously contact the CSA (or think it's called CMS now) to arrange maintenance through the official channels.

Having said all that. Please, please try to keep your baby's needs - and not your resentment or anger - at the forefront of any decisions you make. Your child has a right to a relationship with both parents and it's up to you to facilitate that. Talk of "the upper hand" hints at game playing. I realise you're angry at how you've been treated, but please don't stoop to his level. Be reasonable and accommodating about contact at all times and keep your head held high. The last thing your child needs is two squabbling parents in constant conflict with each other. You have to find strategies for co-parenting that involve putting your child first and putting your own feelings to one side if necessary xxx
 
 

 
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GF91
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Jul 6th, 2017, 15:33 PM   #14
 
Unless your married or ((I think)) have his written consent you can't put him on the birth certificate anyway, he has to attend the registry office with you.
I personally would tell him about appointments & invite him to the registry office, wouldn't have him there if we weren't together while I was in labour, but I would of inform him when the baby had arrived. ((My best friend had a baby with her ex, he attended all scans and appts, she didn't tell him when she was in labour but sent him a message when she was home the day after, he was cross to begin with but once she explained why she didn't want him there he totally understood)) but again that's my personal opinion. He may of not treated you properly but that's no reason to cut him out of your child's life, what goes on between you 2 is between you 2. If he's willing to be there for his child then he's more of a man than some.
At the end of the day, it's not about you, or him, it's about what's best, what's right & whats important for your baby.
 
 

 
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honeybear
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Jul 20th, 2017, 10:34 AM   #15
 
My other half and I weren't together most of my pregnancy and he didn't attend most appointments
He wasn't like your partner though in the sense he just left me too it with no input he didn't contribute either
The morning I was due to be induced he begged to come and attended the hospital everyday it was lovely to have him there but as we didn't resolve anything it lead to a lot of confusion for our baby
It was worse for him to be in an out and pick up on our mood and emotions
He never put his name on the birth certificate which he regretted despite being invited too but I know many friends with controlling partners who use this against them and threaten to go for custody and it's a horrible thing to use as a weapon. You need to think carefully about implications of things outcomes and resolutions but ultimately what will be a healthy pregnancy for you and a happy baby as the stress affected my pregnancy all the way through and lead to early induction for reduced movements as baby wasn't happy xx
 
 

 
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