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Joy
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Oct 21st, 2018, 06:24 AM   #1
 
I am 20 weeks pregnant with our first child and I am so worried about our relationship. If Iím honest I have been very worried about us in the past but I kept thinking things have changed, I love him so much and now I am pregnant. Iím over the moon to be pregnant and weíve (both, I think) wanted this for a long time. The problem is that we donít seem to be able to discuss anything without him flying off the handle, me getting upset and then him getting angrier and accusing me of abusing him or Ďplaying the victimí. It is impossible to do anything in these situations and so we arenít able to talk or make the simplest decisions together. This leaves me basically having to do things his way or us not making important decisions at all.

It had all got a lot better a couple of years ago when we both stopped drinking so much and he stopped smoking weed (I donít smoke anyway and wouldnít touch any alcohol whilst pregnant, obviously). Now that I am pregnant he still drinks, which is fine but has started smoking weed again which although I actually donít mind (as long as itís not around me) I do think contributes to his reactions. He reacts terribly and lashes out when I say anything he thinks might be criticism, even when it isnít criticism at all Ė and I have to say it nearly always isnít.

Iím really struggling with what to do now. Things are so good for the majority of the time but as soon as there is anything to discuss or decide we end up back in the same position -mainly me feeling hurt, frustrated, scared and alone.
Iíve tried to get him to couples counselling in the past and we went for an initial assessment but it just made him very angry. He now thinks I tried to use counselling against him (simply not true) and gets angry even if I mention it.

Iím aware my hormones are probably playing a large part in my inability to handle this right now but I am worried about how this is affecting the baby now as well as how the birth and early days will be and especially about the future. I donít want to be a single mum, I donít have enough money or support. I just want to have a stable family for this baby and make the most of the love I know we have for each other but I donít know how to make it okay.
 
 
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WinterWolf
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Oct 21st, 2018, 08:17 AM   #2
 
Out of curiosity are you two quite young? It sounds like it because clearly this guy is nowhere near ready to be a father!! Im pregnant too and I would not want to be around/relying on someone who uses drugs. What if there's an emergency? You don't want to have to call a friend because your partner is too high to drive. I absolutely wouldn't want to raise a child in the kind of environment where it's parents are having explosive arguments all the time either. I know this isn't what you want to hear but sounds like the way he's treating you is emotional abuse, so my advice would be to tell him how you're feeling and be prepared to leave if he doesn't sort himself out. In my experience people like that don't change.

Anything that's causing you stress is not good for baby, so you should distance yourself from as much stress as possible. Sorry you're going through this hun. x
 
 

 
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Joy
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Oct 21st, 2018, 09:39 AM   #3
 
Sadly no, we're not young, we're both 37
 
 
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Rosie2
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Oct 21st, 2018, 22:17 PM   #4
 
Iím so sorry to hear this, Joy. It sounds like a really stressful situation which you just donít need right now.

Have you considered going to counselling on your own? It may be really helpful to talk through your feelings, and even if heís not there you can talk about your relationship and how youíd like to move forward. Iíve been for counselling and although I was very reluctant at first, I found a great strength to deal with problematic relationships in my life and gave me the confidence to address the issues.
 
 
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Joy
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Oct 22nd, 2018, 09:09 AM   #5
 
Thanks both of you. I have booked counselling on my own though it might be a while before it starts. We're back to being 'fine' now but I havent had an apology for the awful things he said this last time and if I'm honest I'm still feeling very hurt. I also know that this will all happen again sometime in the next couple of weeks or sooner. I really think he thinks this is a normal way for people to behave and that it's all my problem, he accused me of having a personality disorder yesterday. I'm still considering leaving but I have no idea where to start.
 
 
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WinterWolf
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Oct 22nd, 2018, 09:43 AM   #6
 
Sorry, he's behaving like a 17 year old, not a 37 year old who is going to be a father in a few months :/

Do you have friends/family you could stay with for a little while? Just getting some space might be a big help as far as clearing your head and deciding if leaving is your best option.
 
 

 
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Rosie2
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Oct 22nd, 2018, 11:24 AM   #7
 
As WinterWolf said, could you stay with family or a friend for a while?

You could maybe start by sorting through some of your things so if you did leave, you’re ready to go with the essentials. My friend did this before she left her husband and she said it really helped her - she sold some stuff online to get a bit of extra cash, but mostly just got rid of things she didn’t need anymore. Even if you don’t end up leaving, you’ve decluttered before the baby comes.
 
 

 
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night owl
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Oct 24th, 2018, 22:22 PM   #8
 
Sorry you are going through this stress, it does sound like your partner doesnít know or understand how to have a civilised discussion about things and takes everything the wrong way, if this has been going on for a long time to varying extents then it sounds like heís not just going to suddenly change on his own, he may not even agree that heís actually doing it and thatís the hardest thing to try and work with as it is very unlikely to ever change

One thing I will say aswell and I hope it doesnít offend anyone is that I have never seen anything good become of anyone who smokes weed, in fact Iíve seen people heading towards depression, anxiety, anger issues and even psychotic breakdowns from it, the best case scenario Iíve seen is people becoming unmotivated losers, it also will not set a good example for your child to be around that, it does not sound like you are on that wavelength of recreationally smoking weed whereas he is

I know youíve said you want a loving stable family and Iím guessing you would prefer a two parent family, can totally understand that as thatís what I would prefer to but what you might need to think about is which environment will be better for the child, sometimes single parent is a hell of a lot better then two parents fighting like cat and dog, children pick up on these tensions very acutely and it becomes a huge source of anxiety for them

I think youíve got to weight it all up really, but do not be afraid to leave if your heart tells you thatís the right thing to do, it will be different difficult at first but you will get through it and come out on the other side xx
 
 
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GeekMaker
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Oct 26th, 2018, 15:27 PM   #9
 
Has he been drinking and/or smoking when you try to talk to him or is he sober at that time? Is he abusive or drinking to excess? You don't even have to answer here just something to think about thats all. Plus as mentioned here, the stress on your body isn't good.

Also is he stressed about anything that he might let you know about? It could help to let him express things to build that communication. I will pray for you guys and hope everything works out I hope he will go to counselling with you.
 
 

 
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tinselcat
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Oct 28th, 2018, 11:47 AM   #10
 
Hi,

I would raise it with your midwife.

Men's behaviour can change during pregnancy and after you give birth. I had to leave my husband when our baby was 3 weeks old. Being a single mother is hard and not a path that anyone would want to choose, but having gone down this road, I would take it 1000 times over living with someone behaving abusively.

All the best xxx
 
 

 
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