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Dovekie
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Torn

Jul 8th, 2017, 17:51 PM   #1
 
I don't know whether to accept my exes help (when it's available) or tell him to get out of my life?

He treat me so badly during the pregnancy, withholding affection and sex and saying he didn't love me. It's a long story, but we split up when I was 38 weeks and i moved 2 hours away to be closer to family. Im now in a flat, alone with my 4 week old son. He has stayed one weekend so far to help. He's coming this weekend and next (only because I told him he should) because I'm really struggling on my own.

I still love him and last weekend I practically begged him to get back together or at least remain open about the possibility. My thoughts were that, if he is willing to try that, i could forgive him for what happened. However, if he isn't, I can't ever forgive him as I feel like he never wanted me. Anyway, he refused to even see what happens. I was so angry I kicked him out (he was leaving at that point anyway).

Now, he's due to arrive tomorrow, and I just don't want to be nice to him...... but, I really need the help/rest. Our families want us to be on speaking terms for the sake of our son.

I think he's messed me up, mentally. Rejection when you're pregnant is horrible and I worry how all of the negativity and arguing affected our son.

I don't know what to do? It's such a horrible mess.
 
 

 
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Blueclass
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Jul 8th, 2017, 23:54 PM   #2
 
I can understand it must be difficult for you both physically and mentally.

I guess if you really need the help then take it but at least his being honest with you as hard as it is to hear. Also if he was that horrible are you sure you would want to get back with him. Im not sure i would want to risk being treated like that again. Then going through all this heart ache again. Just let him help you whilst you need it and who knows he may change his mind the more ti.w he spends with you and baby. Sorry if thats not helpful.
 
 
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snowbee
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Jul 9th, 2017, 09:01 AM   #3
 
I hope this doesn't make you feel worse. You can't make someone love you, if he doesn't want to be with you then you need to accept that and move on to trying to establish what works for you both as parents. He treated you badly when you were carrying his baby, if he can't be good to you then he really isn't worth pursuing as a romantic relationship. I wish I had taken my own advice with an ex, he treated me like shit and I still let him carry on when it was clear to everyone apart from me that this was never going to end well. You need the support so let him come over and have the time with his son but try to keep it at that. You never know if you don't push the issue and keep it all about owen thing may change at some point and he might mature and realise what a dick he was, apologise and ask if you want to try again. That doesn't mean you have to and you might not want that sort of relationship by then but who knows.

For now keep it about owen and just see what happens.
 
 

 
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Dovekie
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Jul 10th, 2017, 22:27 PM   #4
 
I know it doesn't sound like it would work anyway. I'm just so annoyed as he was full on when we met last year. He said he loved me after 5 weeks. I was really wary. After I found out I was pregnant (a few months later) I began to love him, but we argued so much. He changed his mind about me, whilst my feelings/attachment grew - probably because of the pregnancy.

Not so long ago, when I was 37 weeks, I left to stay with my parents and he came to get me back. He said he wanted to be a family. How can he completely change his mind about that?

I resent him for still having his own life; for being able to help me for a couple of nights, then having a ticket out of here and back to normality. Today he said "I can't stop doing things I normally do" (he's arranging a little holiday with his friend). Well, I had to stop everything I normally do! I can't even go to the toilet when I need to. He's literally just argued with me over who gets an extra hour to sleep tonight (we're taking turns to look after Owen), and he's going home tomorrow and has the day off work (and most of the week)! He's not back for another week.

I don't think I really know what I want to be honest. Just not to be in this situation I suppose :/
 
 

 
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Holi
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Jul 11th, 2017, 08:52 AM   #5
 
He sounds like a bell end but I think you should accept the help (however minuscule it is)

I know it seems like he's got it easy (which he has) but honestly you are the one who is going to get the pleasure of seeing your son Day in day out not missing out on any milestone and watch him turn into a beautiful little character - your ex will miss so much. Don't get me wrong it's gonna be really hard but the bond you'll have, your son will adore you. Your his constant, his whole world. Keep up the good work it does get easier! X



 
 
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nikkix86
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Jul 12th, 2017, 10:57 AM   #6
 
dovekie my youngest sons dad treated me awfully when we were together. like emotional abuse to the point i was just like a shadow of who i used to be. he put me down all the time made me feel like nothing to him. we broke up alot and when my son was born we werent together. we decided to give it another go and it was worse because now we had an innocent little boy around this horrible situation aswell. i wish id done it sooner but when my son was 8 months i finally kicked him out and its been hard im not going to lie but the relationship i have with my son is amazing hes a proper mummies boy and is not close to his dad at all. he sees him once a week but thats it. it took alot of counselling and time to work on myself and me and my new partner have been together 2 years and hes amazing he always makes me feel good about myself and thats what you need
 
 

 
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mylullaby
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Jul 12th, 2017, 14:33 PM   #7
 
You probably won't want to hear this, but I really think him staying over night needs to stop. It's not doing anyone any favours. I know that will mean you doing even more of the work, and you're understandably knackered and want help. But you've already said you're feeling messed up - and that you've argued over the extra hours sleep - so I would stick firmly to daytime visits and him staying elsewhere at night and focus on making proper contact arrangements - eg ex gradually taking your LO for longer periods as/when you and baby are both ready for that. I would also be inclined to "hand him over" when your ex visits. So busy yourself getting stuff done or even just having a rest in another room - and leave ex to deal with nappy changes and childcare while he's there. Have you made proper arrangements for him paying maintenance? So sorry you're having to deal with this. He sounds like a total dick treating you like this. It will get better. It just feels so tough now because it's all still so raw. Stop begging him to come back - as the saying goes: "never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option" You're worth so much more.
 
 

 
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nikkix86
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Jul 12th, 2017, 16:45 PM   #8
 
i agree the staying overnight probably isnt the best thing. maybe rest in the day when hes there or have you got family who could let you nap and have owen for a bit? its only going to mess you up
 
 

 
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Dovekie
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Jul 13th, 2017, 23:53 PM   #9
 
I agree, him staying over is not doing me any good, especially emotionally. I've told him I don't want to see or speak to him right now, unless we discuss Owen. His parents are visiting for the weekend and he is coming for one night. I've arranged to leave them to it and stay at my parents. I will have to see him when they leave though.

I haven't sorted out maintenance. He's been giving me money and paying for various things so far though.

I think I must be going nuts as I've been trying to persuade him to get back together every few days! I spoke to my Nanna today and she gave me some good advice about it - let him go! Mylullaby, I like what you said about being an option. I'm not even that!

Nikki, my parents help a lot and allow me to have naps. They just won't help out at night, which is the worst part (I'm sure most would agree).
 
 

 
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