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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Young dad to be with depression?

Jan 8th, 2012, 10:45 AM   #1

I'm so upset today. My DH has good days and bad days but the latter is definitely more common and upsetting now! When we got together we were so happy and joked all the time but now when we do I still feel he's sad underneath it..

To be fair, we've acquired a LOT of new responsibilities recently in that our baby is on the way, we moved into a more expensive flat, his younger sibling has come to live with us, we got a dog, I'm on maternity leave and we're waiting on benefits before we're ok for money again, we're in a fair bit of debt (but sort of coping)... But despite all this I still don't think he'd be happy if we had none of that. I honestly think he's never going to be fully happy, he feels sorry for himself IMO.

It annoys me because at the end of the day I'm in the same potion, except I'm not working 9-5 now and he is. But I don't let me feelings rule me and can still push all the worries to the back of my head for the sake of being happy when we're together (I get plenty of alone time to be depressed about stuff) So I end up not having a lot of sympathy for him when he gets in these moods and find myself just waiting for the point where he realises life isn't quite so tragic, realises he's getting me down with his attitude, and apologises. As always I say it's ok and the cycle repeats.

I'm pretty sure his depression comes from working quite a lot, and then not having any money to do nice things on his day off.. Just endless chores. He's 23 and pretty much does have the responsibilities now of a middle aged man.

I'm worried how bad things will get when the baby arrives and we have sleep deprivation to add to the mix. I know there's no magic solution here, just needed to get it all of my chest xxx

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Jan 8th, 2012, 11:22 AM   #2
Have u tried talking it through with him hun? He might just need help getting his head round things x

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Jan 12th, 2012, 08:26 AM   #3
I think you're being quite unfair. People who suffer from depression don't choose to be depressed. He needs you to be there and support him, regardless of how difficult that is for you. You should get him to see the GP. Try and understand that he doesn't do it to hurt you, in fact it's probably nothing to do with you. But your attitude won't help the situation.

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Jan 12th, 2012, 08:32 AM   #4
I agree, you don't sound very supportive or understanding. Your attitude will not help him with his depression. What do you want from him? You want him to pretend to be happy in front of you then cry when he's alone?
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Jan 12th, 2012, 11:59 AM   #5
I think you're going about it right way.

My mum suffers from depression and it always get worse when she thinks she has a sympathic ears pandering to her... She just makes the bad days worse and the good days bad and it effects everyone which is really unfair.

She seems happiest when everyone else is miserable because then she isn't alone.

I think you just need to take him at face value. If he seems happy, then you need to believe that he is genuinely happy. If he seems sad, then i'd give him a wide berth.

Don't guilt him for feeling unhappy, but don't try to make him happy - only he can find happiness for himself.

I know people don't like anti-depressants but i think they are definitely worth considering because sometimes people do actually have mental imbalances.

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Jan 21st, 2012, 02:25 AM   #6
Woah, first of all my 'attitude' is just a bit of anonymous venting, it's not like I ever tell him he's getting me down or annoying me.

In fact everything I do revolves around him, I make sure everything in the house is as nice as it can be, cook him his favourite meals and whenever we do have a bit of spare money I make sure it goes on what he wants, not anything for me and the baby, I don't demand that we save it like we really need to because I'm hoping that after he's bought what he wants it will make him happy even just for a little bit. It's hard when I'm on maternity leave, waiting for him to come home, and nothing I have done is good enough to get a smile or anything. He doesnt have a nice word to say to me. I'm aware depression isn't a choice, if that's what he has. I'm no stranger to it. But maybe he's just a moody git?

Must be nice to never have a bad word to say about your partners? To never feel a bit resentful when you know you shouldn't?

Anyway moving on, he did finally say sorry again for how he's been acting, and things have been good for almost a week. He's got some time off work next week so he's looking forward to that and we've been able to have conversations and laugh and joke like before which is nice! I hope it lasts a bit longer this time. If he has another episode I will try and get him to see a doctor because it's horrible for everyone, including him, when those moods strike. I know he won't go but there's not a lot else I can do. I've tried giving him complete space, doing nice things for him and trying to talk to him. Running out of options on what else I can do :/

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Jan 21st, 2012, 10:15 AM   #7
I think it would be good to get him to see the doctors, if he's cycling in and out of depression its not good for any of you. Depression is one of the hardest things to deal with and I totally understand your vent. Depression IS the most selfish disease on the planet, people become incredibly self centred when depressed (in my experience) and really cannot see the wood for the trees so its not surprising you felt like that and to a certain extent you shouldn't pander to it. Make sur eyou treat yourself to something nice when money allows, not always him. Caring for all these lives is a tough job honey, look after yourself! xxx

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Jan 21st, 2012, 11:06 AM   #8
totally understanding your situation, its hard dealing with life sometimes when other people are bringing negativity into your every day, when the person doing it is the one you love and chose to share your life with it can seem so unfair, resentment can very quickly build up and if left can turn into destructive behaviour, the only real cure is communication, which can seem impossible when you are both lost in the middle of it, but if handled sensitivity and with the right guidelines things can improve, I do think its probably worth you both talking to a councillor to help rebuild the communication lines, its obvious to me that you love him very much the way you put him first, and I wish you all the luck in the world xxx

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Jan 21st, 2012, 11:34 AM   #9
You definately need to get him to see a GP as it sounds like he either needs some sort of therapy for his depression or medication. Coming from a family where several people have suffered depression i can see how hard it is for you to deal with as sometimes you feel as though nothing you do is helping. As long as he has you for support in getting to the bottom of his depression im sure things will be ok. It may be a case of having nothing to do with lifestyle etc more of a chemical inbalance in the brain which can be controlled with medication hun xx

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dad, depression, young

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