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HeppiBean
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Question

Need some advice :/

Jun 11th, 2011, 04:30 AM   #1
 
Ok... So I'm up at 4AM, unable to sleep cause I'm really worried about something OH has said/has planned...
This might end up being a long one, but will try to keep it as short as pos while still giving all the necessary details....

When OH and I got together last year both of us were quite heavy weed smokers and wanted to go out to Amsterdam. OH has been once before so knows what it's like, I however have not. Anyway... We planned a trip out there for my 18th birthday last september but I was issues with an eviction notice from the hostel we both lived in so finding me a home was a priority. We moved into the flat beginning of November after managing to delay the eviction and then a month later found out I was pregnant. Obviously any thoughts of a trip to Amsterdam completely disappeared with the news considering the reason we wanted to go ("legal" weed) was a bit pointless as I gave up...

However... In September it is OH's 22nd birthday and he wants to go to the Dam to celebrate. I had no idea he still wanted to go until a couple of mornings ago when I woke up and found that he had posted a trip out there on facebook for 30th september. This is where I have the first problem... I would have much preferred it if he had spoken to me about it first so that I could get my opinion across.

I have no problems at all with him arranging a trip out there... It's just that between my due date (15th August) to the 30th September, when he wants to go, there's only 6 weeks... So our daughter will only be about 6 weeks old... I'm not prepared to leave our possibly only 6 week old daughter with somebody else for a long weekend.

You might be thinking why not just let him go alone? Well I would it's just... No matter how much I try and shake it off... I would still really love to go out there... For the experience if nothing else... And, maybe it's selfish of me, but I don't want to be left here while he goes abroad with a group of people, his ex included.

I want to talk to him about it but when I tried earlier saying stuff like 'I'm not sure if I'd want to leave Francesca' and 'I'd really miss you and worry if you went without me', he said that he's going no matter what as it's not long til he loses his freedom completely... So now I'm stuck... I'm worried that if I try and talk to him about delaying the trip he might get the wrong idea and think I'm asking him to cancel... and I'm worried that he might choose Amsterdam over me and Francesca... (Not 2 weeks ago we had an argument and split because he wanted to go out with a friend for a night only 2 days after I'd tried to induce labour myself, and I was scared of what might happen if I was left alone)... I really don't know what to do!

He's fast asleep now, but with all these thoughts running through my head, sleep is a stranger... I kinda hope that putting this all down will ease my mind so I can get a few hours at least.

Sorry for the longness of it, I'm just worried and needed to get it off my chest, as well as hopefully get a little advice :/

Also sorry if I've repeated myself or not made sense through any of this... I'm so tired but nothing seems to be helping me sleep

Thanks ladies...

Katie xx
 
 

 
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frankie707
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Jun 11th, 2011, 06:05 AM   #2
 
I think you need to talk to him, 6 weeks is pretty early to leave a baby and it's better to sort it out with him now before it streses you out anymore. Also, are you planning on breastfeeding? If so not sure a trip where you will be around drugs is really what you should be doing. Talk to him, good luck.
 
 

 
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Maria1977
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Jun 11th, 2011, 07:10 AM   #3
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by frankie707 View Post
I think you need to talk to him, 6 weeks is pretty early to leave a baby and it's better to sort it out with him now before it streses you out anymore. Also, are you planning on breastfeeding? If so not sure a trip where you will be around drugs is really what you should be doing. Talk to him, good luck.
WSS

I think he's being a bit unrealistic and sorry to say a tad selfish!! Nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate a bday at all but there will be many to come and at 6 weeks old baby takes priority! Just my opinion tho.

xxx
 
 
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Lacey's Mummy
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Jun 11th, 2011, 07:14 AM   #4
 
I agree! 6 weeks is far too early! You don't know how your be feeling then. My OH went back to work when my son was 4 days old (he works away) and I was fine and coped! By 6 weeks I was suffering from PND and wished I had my OH back for support.
There's plenty more times he can have a lad's holiday but when you have children, they come 1st, not weed!!! x x
 
 
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amyjayne77
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Jun 11th, 2011, 07:52 AM   #5
 
I'm sorry but he really needs to wise up a bit here. He is being selfish and immature to leave at such a stressful and important time for you. And the fact he won't even discuss must be very hard for you.
Hugs to you. He might change his mind when he knows how much he's upset you xx
 
 

 
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tinytoes
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Jun 11th, 2011, 08:04 AM   #6
 
I think honestly you need to tell him he cant go or to be nice about it you really dont want him too as you want the time together as a family , even explain you would have like to have been consulted first.
I've read your other posts about having anxiety , depression and having thoughts of self harm , I also read a thread where you mentioned having negative thoughts about your baby and the difficulties you have been having . I admire you for seeking help about it and think you are very brave so Im sorry if I come across as harsh . If your oh is gone away and you have PND for example , your going to find it tough without him . At six weeks after aoibheann's birth I was an emotional mess and that was without having to deal with previous issues like yourself . I know you would love to go along for the experieance and I dont blame you one bit but weed is a known depressant so thats probably not a good idea . Why not talk to him about maybe a weekend somewhere else in a few months time ? Because your not going to want to leave your baby at that age anyway as you say yourself , and why upset yourself :shurg: .Personally I think he's not considering you at all sorry if I've been harsh xx
 
 

 
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HeppiBean
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Jun 11th, 2011, 13:35 PM   #7
 
Thanks everyone. I just really needed to make sure that it wasn't just me being selfish and ridiculous... But you all seem to be thinking along the same lines as me. xxx
 
 

 
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TiffanyJaynexo
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Jun 11th, 2011, 18:55 PM   #8
 
The first few weeks are the most important time for bonding, I really wouldn't suggest leaving a baby whilst you and OH go off to Amsterdam.

He's definitely being selfish, that's more than obvious, I'm sure he'd admit he is being selfish too.
Can he not delay the trip til a little bit later? Like you, I would hate for my OH to leave me to go on holiday with loads of people including his ex, I'd be fuming. Especially just 6 weeks after our child was born.

Talk to him?
He needs to understand bonding with the baby is crucial at that time.
Say that you're all for him going on holiday and having his last ounce of freedom (my OH has been going out every day skateboarding because he knows he won't be able to do that every day when baby is here). I'd love for me and OH to go on a few trips in different locations in the UK before baby gets here, just for a bit of fun and 'us' time. I'd love to go to some gigs with him as well. It's a little something I hope to make possible this year.

Chat to him hun, tell him how you feel and that you're keen to go with him for the experience but for the sake of your 6 week old little girl, you'd rather do it a little later. Good luck! xxx
 
 

 
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nadine
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Jun 11th, 2011, 20:54 PM   #9
 
First of if he did choose dam over u n his child then he's very immature, but that don't help,

Erm I'd try n talk to him n just express u would love to go still n y couldn't u go at a later date may be? If that's a no go, could u not go for the weekend when baby is 6 weeks old, it is only 2 nights??? Do u or would u have some one to have her u trust etc.

The reason I say is I did the same, after my son was here, he wasn't at young but I really really enjoyed the rest n freedom for 2 nights it really help me, n I don't smoke weed but I just love Amsterdam it's an amazing place n So chilled obv,

If u can't get out there n hes really not for negotiating over it n he still goes, i would just arrange or tell him that u will still be going but u will go with a friend n he can have nipper whilst U go n u go with ur friend at a later date, x x good luck n don't worry to much

Also I'd just like to say, he's full of these bright ideas at mo, but men r very different to us n I'm sure when ur babys here it will be a different story, (that's if babys not born yet) I only say this as my OH ex lol had ideas but I no when babys here it will all sink in for him more, x
 
 

 
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Sparkle24
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Jun 11th, 2011, 22:26 PM   #10
 
I agree with the others 6 weeks is way to soon. Weed does make things worse for people so i think you are better off away from it hun and your OH should as well xx
 
 

 
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Xcitedmum
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Jun 11th, 2011, 22:30 PM   #11
 
I def agree that you need to talk to him but I cannot understand how he thinks going AFTER Francesca is born is even an option? You will need his help and support more than ever when she has actually arrived. If he is hell bent on going I would suggest that he go prior to her birth on his own but tell him that you will def be making a point of going when you feel it is safe and possible to leave baby for a couple of days...

Your words need to be firm and somewhat harsh. You have also mentioned trying to induce labour yourself? Not sure what exactly you mean by this but really hope you can get this problem sorted out so that you can relax for the rest of your pregnancy without having to worry about bringing labour on early just cos he is being so unreasonable x
 
 
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amandapanda
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Jun 11th, 2011, 23:01 PM   #12
 
If it's any help....Holland (including Amsterdam) have just passed a law to outlaw tourists buying weed from coffee shops...loads have been closed down and the rest have to have a members only policy which is for Dutch citizens only. They didn't like the image of just being a tokers paradise for tourists so have really clamped down and changed things. Not sure if it's come into full effect yet, but is definitely happening....
 
 

 
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Iriki
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Jun 16th, 2011, 00:04 AM   #13
 
I have to agree with everybody else here too. I think it's ridiculous of him even suggesting that he go away and spend a weekend getting stoned while he has a new born baby at home. What happens if you go overdue - I was two weeks overdue with my first baby - so in theory the baby may only be 4 weeks old???

Secondly whatever issues you may be having at the moment, be prepared for them to deteriorate slightly once baby is born - simply due to tiredness...you'll need him then more than ever.

I don't know your financial situation, so this next point might be totally irrelevant but spending hundreds of pounds on a trip to Amsterdam purely for the purpose of smoking weed - legal or not, is surely not the best use of money when a new baby has just arrived?? If he wants a break or to celebrate his birthday, why not go on a family trip away for a weekend somewhere with just you and the baby and postpone the big blowout till she's a bit older and able to be left.

Anyway, I hope you manage to sort things out between yourselves and that he'll realise how immature he's being. Unfortunately, when you decide to have a child, you forfeit the right to do a lot of things that previously you wouldn't have thought twice about. Loss of personal freedom is something he'll have to come to terms with, at least for the early years!

Try not to stress yourself out worrying about it anyway xx
 
 

 
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stacey_lea86
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Jun 20th, 2011, 08:56 AM   #14
 
Can you not plan a trip with YOUR friends a few weeks after he comes back & let him have some time alone with the bay so you can enjoy a long weekend or even a weekend away?

My husband is deploying to Afghan as soon as the baby is born & I don't have the time to go and have my weekend trips. I often feel envious & slightly resentful he can up & go travel the world!

If he's not willing to delay the trip, organise some time out for yourself & your friends. After all your entitled to a break too!

xx
 
 
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HeppiBean
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Jun 20th, 2011, 21:19 PM   #15
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by stacey_lea86 View Post
Can you not plan a trip with YOUR friends a few weeks after he comes back & let him have some time alone with the bay so you can enjoy a long weekend or even a weekend away?
I would... Only I don't actually have any friends tbh... :/ Not that are even half interested in anything to do with ma life anyway... Only the "having a party, wanna come" sorta friends if you know what I mean? x
 
 

 
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