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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Finding out gender after loss?

Sep 16th, 2017, 10:58 AM   #1
I'm pregnant again after we lost our wonderful little girl to SIDS when she was 8 weeks old. Before she was born I didn't mind whether I had a girl or a boy but after losing my daughter I worry that I will be disappointed if I find out it's a boy, just because I lost a daughter. I'm not sure whether to find out the gender before birth or not - any advice from people who have been through this would be very welcome!

On one hand, I think (and hope like crazy) that when the baby is born I will love him/her whatever - so if I find out the gender early then I could just have some unnecessary weeks of disappointment and all the guilt that will go with that. If I don't find out early, I might avoid those feelings as I would only find out when the baby is there to love.

But I have also heard that it can be difficult to bond with a new baby after losing one, and that finding out the gender makes it easier to bond and will give me some time to get excited about having a boy/girl before it's born.

Does anyone have thoughts on whether to find out or not? Thanks
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Sep 16th, 2017, 12:24 PM   #2
I'm sorry to hear about your loss, that must be awful. I don't know what the best thing to do would be but I am sure you will love your little girls sibling whichever they are. I think I would find out as it would give the extra time to accept it and to be prepared, although I know some people prefer the surprise and finding out once they are here. I'm sure it will be a very emotional time for you either way.

There is a lady called Lou who lost her little boy at 36 weeks and I remember she was worried her next pregnancy would be a boy too, she will hopefully see this post and tell you how she felt about finding out.

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Sep 16th, 2017, 13:04 PM   #3
Hi hun, not the same situation at all but my older sister died when I was 20 weeks pregnant with my first. Some family members and my mum in particular had a strong need for my baby to be a girl (and me to a certain extent) I didn't find out the gender until the birth and to my absolute surprise it was a little boy. No-one cared when he was born that he was a boy because you just focus on the joy of a new baby and what he looks like etc so there was no disappointment or any time spent thinking about gender really although my mum may have shed a tear privately but that would have been more for her lost daughter than any disappointment with my son. I think if we'd found out before it would have been different and there could have been some negative feelings initially so it was right for us not to find out. My mum and my son are as close as can be now and have a great bond.

I am so sorry for your loss and I'm not comparing the situations at all but hope this might help. Good luck with your pregnancy xx


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Sep 19th, 2017, 21:22 PM   #4
Again I'm in a different position, but I'll share our experience for what it's worth.
We have a 7 year old, and then lost our little girl in tri 2 at 20+3.
We never wanted to find out the gender during either pregnancy and when I next got pregnant I almost felt the opposite way, that I had my boy and girl so I didn't have a preference at all for our third baby. So we have two healthy boys and I'm pregnant again. Everyone is hoping for a girl, grandparents, work colleagues, everyone is saying how nice it would be to have a girl. I do get a bit annoyed with some folk and I've managed to tell them that I do in fact have a daughter, she just didn't make it.
So at our 20 week scan this time we thought it'd be good to find out, so we could tell our boys and prepare them for a brother or sister. The sonographer wasn't 100% sure but thinks it's a girl. And while we don't mind either way again I broke down during the scan, totally overwhelmed with all different emotions.
I'm sorry for rambling but follow what feels right. You'll always have your daughter, and when it comes to delivery the baby in your arms is its unique wee self. Be kind to yourself!

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Oct 25th, 2017, 22:10 PM   #5
Hi hun I'm bit different but my first born was stillborn at 27 weeks didn't know we were having a boy until delivery. Next pregnancy I felt I needed to know as I felt closer to my baby I feel. I know you worry but my feelings are that you are going to love this baby no matter whether it's boy or girl and you know already that this one will never replace your daughter but will only help to slightly lessen the pain. Go with your heart hun if you don't find out at 20 weeks or before you can always find out further down the line xx

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