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PF Savvy
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Kent
Posts: 120


Getting info into my husband

Apr 15th, 2018, 16:16 PM   #1
Hi all,
Had a bit of a scare after reduced movements and I'm finding talking to my OH a bit hard. He's generally trying to be positive and upbeat about the whole situation which I love but then he told me I was being negative by dwelling on the realistic connotations of 34 week delivery date (ie. Hospital and NICU stay). Namely I did not appreciate him joking not once but twice about booking a night out at the end of May for a football booze up.
I'm all up for positivity but I don't class being realistic as a bad thing! I'd rather be pleasantly surprised than sideswiped by anything after how helpless I felt on diagnosis of our problems. Since then I've done research , chatted in here and joined a couple of support groups. I've shared info with him and he's found great comfort in the positive stories. When I've asked if he will be doing his own research he's saying "I'll deal with it when it happens". Again, I saw how helpless he felt and dried the tears we shared last week so I'm struggling to get my head around this mentality and it's making me feel alone when I already feel so stressed and pressured about being the only person who can pick up on reduced movements. Being called negative has made me want to scream at him!
This has turned in to way more of a vent than intended - which is great for me and thanks for reading! I'm desperate for any ideas on a new approach to talk to him though would be great. I really dont want us to be arguing at a time like this and I feel me screaming obscenities about being an unfeeling ***** would not help the situation right now! And I know it's probably bravado.
Any other high-risk mums been through similar/ had more success than me?
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Apr 16th, 2018, 08:41 AM   #2
cant offer any advice I'm afraid other than i suspect there is a touch of stereotypical gender difference in this! men tend to deal with things as they arise and dont pre-plan for worrying times quite as much..which is good for not getting bogged down in maybes, buit does leave the partner feeling alone.....as we think every possibility through and prepare ahead what we can...he probably feels a bit powerless ..sometimes we need to reply on support of other females as only they know how these things feel for us...... not very nice calling you negative i grant you , but he probably means it like , lets think positive.......and you can be positive, because at 34 weeks babies can do really well........especially when it has been planned......but still you have my sympathy it is a really worrying time...

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Apr 16th, 2018, 15:49 PM   #3
I'd approach it slightly differently, I'd tell him that you need the support and come up with some sort of plan that you guys can have in place for the "worst" case scenario. I also have a partner who is a"cross that bridge when it comes to it" kind of person, and actually it helps to keep me grounded when I explore every damn eventuality - so feel your pain!

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Apr 17th, 2018, 13:17 PM   #4
My husband and I are the other way around, he worries about things all the time that might not happen. I prefer to do some research but then try not to stress about things that are outside my control, what will be will be and if it happens I will deal with it then. People cope in different ways, I wouldn't worry about him as that is clearly how he is but do say that you felt being called negative was not nice and would he please not do it again as it didn't make you feel any better.

I know a few people who had babies at 34 weeks and all of them had positive outcomes and minimal hospital stays. Good luck.

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Apr 18th, 2018, 23:06 PM   #5
Thanks all. Good to know I'm not mad. Things have progressed slightly anyway so I'm more than glad of my realism but equally as grateful as always for my hubbies optimism. Fingers crossed!x
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Apr 19th, 2018, 13:28 PM   #6
Although not in the same situation I had some big worries when pregnant with our first. In my case it was more about the birth and my own health conditions. Oh doesn't really like thinking or talking about things he finds upsetting or unpleasant. I find it greatly reduces the stress to research every possibility and have a plan of action for it. In the end I just explained that to OH. Once he realised it was something I needed he made a big effort. I also tried to keep things as brief and straightforward as possible. As it was everything went well so I probably didn't have to worry so much. On the other hand I feel like being prepared helped things work out well. A few years later when I almost died during my MC OH admits that he had a moment of panic that he takes for granted that I alway know what to do and when I couldn't help he was lost so he felt he needed to learn more about first aid etc incase there was ever an emergency with the kids etc when I wasn't around. I think it suddenly hit him why I like to be prepared for everything, even if it probably won't happen.

Sorry you have had a hard pregnancy. I hope things go well.

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