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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Romford, Essex
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Finding a suitable punishment for a 12 year old?

Apr 28th, 2014, 13:38 PM   #1
My son will be 12 in 2 weeks he has mild autistic spectrum disorder (they say aspergers but not severe) we've always had problems with him carelessly and sometimes intentionally hurting my 2yr old toddler (kicking footballs at him in the garden, barging past him etc) and that doesn't seem to have changed. We have had little advice on the situation to be honest.

This week he really upset me. I've been finding random short scratches in the kitchen wallpaper for a while but put it down to the toddler whacking it with a broom. But this week there was about 100 of them as well as 4 big slices through the work top. I was confused as he'll he'd never be within reach of a sharp object. I then went into my knife holder which is kept at my head height and all my knives have been ruined (see pic)

It's clear to me my older son has done this. He denied it (he is a liar and will even deny things I've seen with my own eyes). I finally got an apology out of him after a few days but didn't press for a reason why I was just glad he'd admitted it.

He doesn't have toys (doesn't use them) and I don't allow a tv in his room. I'm now thinking the only suitable punishment is to not allow him any birthday presents. Is this too harsh? Anyone have any better ideas?

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Apr 29th, 2014, 00:12 AM   #2
Can I just ask why you feel a punishment is appropriate? I'm not judging, I'm just wondering if you automatically go to punishment as a tool for dealing with behaviour
I think more often than not it's the way we were 'dealt with' growing up so it seems like the right thing to do.

Particularly with children who experience difficulties such as asd and aspergers, punishing them may have little effect and in fact cause them further confusion and stress as they may not be able to make the connection between their actions and the punishment itself. That's not to say don't do anything, it's just a case of finding something suitable for your individual child, such as a social story to explore the consequences of his actions.

It's not very helpful to you that you've received little advice about this, as I'm sure there is a team of professionals around your child. Seek advice and don't take no for an answer!

I don't know your boy as an individual so I can't suggest something that will definitely work, but you will find a way to deal with challenging behaviour in a positive and constructive way.

Best of luck xx

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Finding a suitable punishment for a 12 year old?

Apr 29th, 2014, 02:33 AM   #3
Sorry you struggle :/receiving no advice when you need to it's certainly not on,

I may he wrong but I think a punishment may have opposite effects? He clearly at this age knows what is doing is not ok and punish him for that sill only reinforce his frustration which is probably the reason in the first place for doing it.
I would try to work on better communication and see if that gets you somewhere.
Maybe you and him can enjoy a board game or a movie when the toddler goes to sleep? Hopefully he will eventually let go some of his frustration?
Is he jealous of his brother?
I really hope that someone will help you deal with him. It's hard to know what to do isn't if?
I hope things get better soon for all of you xx

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