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Miasmum
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5yo school friends help

Nov 11th, 2016, 11:53 AM   #1
 
This is going to be a long post, sorry, but I really don't know how to approach this...
DD started school last year and became best friends with this other little girl. For 9 months they were inseparable and we had playdates at each others home, even a sleepover and the girls mum and I met for coffee a few times while the girls were in school. So one day, the Mum text me, because her daughter had told her that my DD had pulled the girls hair really hard and pushed her. I didn't think anything of it, because every week DD came home and told me either a child did something to her or another child in her class did something to another child. Kids are kids. The teachers were always on top of these things and I never got involved. So I checked with DD about what had happened and DD told me that she pulled her friends hair when she didn't listen to what she was saying and she pushed past her friend to get out of a tight corner. I obviously explained her how rude both were, made sure she had consequences and made her write an apology to her friend.
After that the Mum and I were fine and met for coffee again and the girls had some more playdates.
A couple of weeks before the girls broke up for summer, this Mum called me, shouting, because her daughter had told her that now DD had pushed her over so hard that she bumped her head on the floor and since then she hasn't eaten, spoken and needed to sleep in her parents bed again. She told me my daughter was a bully and needed to stay away from her child. She didn't even give me chance to find out more about what had happened, but hung up on me and blocked my number.
I was absolutely shocked. I never ones thought that DD was a little angel in school, but she is a generally well behaved child with a temper tantrum here and there, but I never thought she could be described as a bully.
So of course I spoke to the teachers. They said they hadn't witnessed that incident, that supposedly happened in the classroom with 6 teachers, or any other incident of that nature. They explained that the two girls often fought, but quickly made up. She explained that even though my DD is the younger and smaller one, she was the one that would stick up for herself and act more confident whereas the other girl told a teacher when something happened that she didn't like. She explained that there was some jealousy between the girls when they played with other children or were separated to learn in different groups. But they never witnessed DD being mean or in any way a bully, but said they would keep a closer eye on her, because they have to take any reports of bullying seriously. In general they said the girls were as bad as each other, but not worse than any other girls their age.
We never really found out what really happened. DD denied it.
That was the end of the story for a while. The girls are still best friends, but the other Mum is still ignoring me. Fine by me. I don't do drama and don't want to associate with her anymore. It's just sad when DD comes home and explains that her and her BFF have discussed playdates and sleepovers, that are never going to happen.
I have now found out that this Mum has spoken to other Mums in DDs class and encourages them to report to the teachers about DD bullying their kids. I am cobsmacked that she is still going after my daughter, even though ( I hope) the teachers told her the same as what they told me. I have a feeling that she has asked her daughter to report any incidents of my DD to her, so that she can either tell the teachers or the other Mums.
I really don't know how to deal with this now. Apart from not going on playdates with her BFF anymore, DD doesn't know about any of this.
I want to ask the teachers again about anything that might be happening in a school, but surely they would speak to me if they had any concerns about DDs behaviour.
DH just wants to move DD to a different class where she also has friends, but I am not sure if that's a little extreme.
If you are still reading, sorry for the very long post.
 
 

 
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Eryinera
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Nov 11th, 2016, 15:32 PM   #2
 
OK so my son has been on the other end of the bully thing though I don't like that word for such young children
I think it's more a case of the "bully" hasn't found the right way to play with the other children. In my son's school I have spoken to other patents to make sure I was getting a full picture not just my son against another child's word and have found out that other children were experiencing the same thing. At first the child was told that's not nice and still things progressed. We ended up having a sit down meeting with the children where the children got to say their side of the stories and how the actions effected them. This helped quite a lot and we asked the children to come up with their own solution and or punishments for the behaviour that had gone on so everyone knew what would happen if a certain behaviour was used. The teachers were present during this meeting and they helped support the children's choices and I've not had any complaints from my son. And the teacher gives regular feedback to the child's parents. I think labelling a child a bully at such an age is wrong as they don't really understand but they also need guidance on how to play correctly without hurting other children. So it doesn't cause problems later in life. X x x

Hope that helps in some way??
 
 

 
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Miasmum
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Nov 11th, 2016, 17:27 PM   #3
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eryinera View Post
OK so my son has been on the other end of the bully thing though I don't like that word for such young children
I think it's more a case of the "bully" hasn't found the right way to play with the other children. In my son's school I have spoken to other patents to make sure I was getting a full picture not just my son against another child's word and have found out that other children were experiencing the same thing. At first the child was told that's not nice and still things progressed. We ended up having a sit down meeting with the children where the children got to say their side of the stories and how the actions effected them. This helped quite a lot and we asked the children to come up with their own solution and or punishments for the behaviour that had gone on so everyone knew what would happen if a certain behaviour was used. The teachers were present during this meeting and they helped support the children's choices and I've not had any complaints from my son. And the teacher gives regular feedback to the child's parents. I think labelling a child a bully at such an age is wrong as they don't really understand but they also need guidance on how to play correctly without hurting other children. So it doesn't cause problems later in life. X x x

Hope that helps in some way??
It definitely does, thank you. Xx
I never thought that she would need help and guidance on how to play with other kids. But it makes sense. We don't have any other kids in our family and I don't have any kids with friends, so she only started playing with kids in nursery and then school. I have actually no idea how she interacts with groups of kids.
On the other hand, though. Her teachers weren't concerned about her behaviour at the time and surely they would have said something to me by now, if there were any issues?
 
 

 
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Eryinera
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Nov 12th, 2016, 06:14 AM   #4
 
Kids can be sneeky and do things out of sight i know thats happened with my son, with one kid sitting on his feet during carpet time etc which doesnt sound bad or worrying or anything but a mild nuscience to a teacher until as a parent i took his shoes off and there are bruises all over his feet and ankles. Teachers see all sorts of behaviour and whilst youre child may not be exhibiting typical "bad behaviour" thats a cause for concern it could be that the other child is overly sensitive even so. If a cuild is being upset its best to find a solution. Mainly beacause the issue with had with the child in the above post started in yr 1 with minor things and nothing really happened, but the child didnt pick up on that was the wrong way to interact. It all came to a big blow out when the child was seen pushing my son to the floor and kicking him in the tummy coz he wanted to play with someone else. The child then pushed the other child over and he banged his head. (This is yr 3) it just slowly spiralled and i think because he wasnt told any different he thought he was doing ok.

It makes sense some kids are natural socialisers and others just need a little guidence. Both my son and the child ive talked about are only children with out many other kiddy friends in the family, by no means is my son an angel and if he doesnt get his way he will shout or sulk where as the other kid tries to take what he wants be it an object or another person. One of the key things my son learned was to tell the kid "thats not nice i dont like that."
 
 

 
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5yo, friends, school

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