Welcome, Guest. Please Login or Register to join in. Resend Activation Email  |  Forgotten Password?
 


Reply
 
 
KarolinaMoon
PF Savvy
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: N.Ireland
Posts: 804


Mother In Law!!!

Jan 28th, 2013, 10:52 AM   #1
 
I have a 4.5 month old baby girl, who is a great baby, however at the moment is teething and at times can get quite upset with it. My MIL has been a bit over bearing at times with 'advise' , and up until now I have been biting my tongue! However yesterday we were over for lunch, and Lanna, my baby was a bit unsettled, also hungry and ready for a sleep.....
MIL, rushed over to me whilst I was trying to calm Lanna, and feed her, and held her arms out saying 'give her to me sure'. I refused and said it was okay. But she still sat there hanging over my shoulder, making me feel uncomfortable, and I think Lanna was picking up on my uneasiness and wouldnt calm down. Eventually I gave in and handed Lanna over to MIL.....all the time really really biting my tongue not to scream in MIL's face.
Much to my horror, (and MIL's delight), Lanna calmed down once in MIL's arms. I was raging, and glared over at hubby, who had kinda missed it all lol. MIL, then proceeded to rub Lanna's tummy, cooing and saying 'ohh dear is your tummy sore'......even though I kept telling MIL no, Lanna is teething at the moment and right now needs her bottle and a nap.
Once I had calmed down a bit, I gave MIL the benefit of the doubt, and put it all down to MIL trying to help, and thinking she was helping.
However, I was kinda shocked at how her actions actually made me feel like a bit of an incompetent mother. Am I right to feel annoyed at MIL? xx
 
 

 
Status: Offline
 
 
 
KarenC
PF Addict
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: North Wales
Posts: 2,113


Jan 28th, 2013, 12:56 PM   #2
 
Hugs. My MIL drives me insane - I'm glad we live an hour and a half away from her or I'd have shot her by now. And yeah, what IS it with them saying it's their tummy hurting ALL the time?!? When clearly it's something else. Gah! Feel free to rant. MILs are sent to make us feel like shit and I hate it. Because we are doing BLW, my MIL says mealtimes 'must be torture' for her! I could go on, but I shan't. Perfectly OK to be annoyed even if they mean well, hun. xxx
 
 

 
Status: Offline
 
 
 
littlesmoosh
PF Enthusiast
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,135


Jan 28th, 2013, 13:09 PM   #3
 
MILs are sooooooooo difficult. i think really they are just trying to help but they just dunno how to.

my MIL always tells me what i should be doing. but when wee see her, which isnt often as she lives 300miles away she never ever offers to take dexter off our hands. whereas all my family will jump at the chance to take him for a walk. i think she has a 'well hes your baby' type of attitude. so she wont help physically. but she has penty to say..
 
 

 
Status: Offline
 
 
 
l_maclean
PF Addict
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Aberdeenshire
Posts: 8,894


Jan 28th, 2013, 13:43 PM   #4
 
Cos I have a great relationship with my MIL I tend to look at this slightly differently.

How would you feel if your own mum had calmed her down when you couldn't?? I actually had this problem with my dad - he is absolutely amazing with children - put a screaming baby in his arms and the settle instantly - I know it's not a reflection on my parenting he just has a knack. Also sometimes LOs can pick up on nervousness (may or may not be made worse by your MIL hovering, but we all get nervous with our kids) - sometimes other people are more relaxed cos there is no pressure on them to be able to 'fix' a child! Iykwim.


I'm not saying your feelings are wrong, but I'll bet your MIL was genuinely just trying to help. The 'sore tummy' thing is prob just chatter - my FIL Has the bizzarest convos with G - sometimes I don't even think he realises what he's said!!

Xxx


On my iPhone - so cant see tickers
 
 

 
Status: Offline
 
 
 
babyem
PF Addict
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Lancashire
Posts: 9,974


Jan 29th, 2013, 00:32 AM   #5
 
Hugs
Just smile and nod! X

My fat fingers can't spell! x
 
 

 
Status: Offline
 
 
 
KarolinaMoon
PF Savvy
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: N.Ireland
Posts: 804


Jan 29th, 2013, 15:48 PM   #6
 
Unfortunately with my MIL there is a history of past comments etc, so my back is already up if you know what I mean!!! The problem was that she was being very over bearing, and hanging over my shoulder reaching out for my baby whilst I was clearly trying to feed her. Biting my tongue and ignoring her is what I have been doing.....but in this particular situation it took all my will power not to start screaming at her lol. xx
 
 

 
Status: Offline
 
 
 
Karate Kid
PF Addict
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Surrey
Posts: 3,949


Jan 29th, 2013, 20:44 PM   #7
 
Hugs! You really don't want me to get started on my MIL!! I feel like a nervous wreck and I feel completely unable to take care of my own son.

C has his moments but is generally content but can have his hissy fits!! My MIL thinks I am going to kill C by doing BLW and thinks I am ridiculous for using reusables!!

I am trying to resign myself to the fact that her and I are simply never going to get on, I have robbed her of her precious son and I dint conform to her culture (even though we are the same culture!) god help me if we lived closer to them!

Sorry for the rant.... Long story short you are not alone. MILs are a different breed! Xx


 
 

 
Status: Offline
 
 
 
rheannymac
PF Addict
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Fife, Scotland
Posts: 2,182


Jan 29th, 2013, 21:23 PM   #8
 
It is so hard with a mother in law. Mine is a nightmare, can't stand her!
I know personally I find things harder to take from the mil. I think I find it difficult because I don't really see her as family to be perfectly honest. I'm not close to her (neither is OH really) therefor when she makes comments and stuff I see it as an outsider doing it and it just gets my back up. I think it's more my own issues with her but I totally get where you are coming from hun! Big hugs xxx
 
 

 
Status: Offline
 
 
 
KarolinaMoon
PF Savvy
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: N.Ireland
Posts: 804


Jan 30th, 2013, 11:09 AM   #9
 
Ohhhh I so know what you mean about feeling more nervous when MIL is about!! That is exactly what happened with me on this occasion, and her hanging over my shoulder just made it much much worse!!
I have given her the benefit of the doubt on this occasion though, and put it down to her being very keen to help!!!
The funny thing is though, that over the christmas period she offered to take care of Lanna, whilst we had some friends over (we stayed with her a couple of nights over xmas). She said she would stay in the living room with Lanna. Well, when came back after being out that afternoon, MIL was all dressed up. I knew then that she had no intention of looking after Lanna for me. Needless to say I was right. I ended up in the living room, whilst MIL socialised with our friends!!! Fair enough, it is my baby and I do not begrudge having to take care of her on any occasion at all......but MIL had specifically said she would look after her. All my plans went out the window. The good thing was that hubby recognised MIL was out of order on this occasion. arrrgggghhhhh, couldnt agree more MIL's are definitely a different breed!!!! lol


Quote:
Originally Posted by Karate Kid View Post
Hugs! You really don't want me to get started on my MIL!! I feel like a nervous wreck and I feel completely unable to take care of my own son.

C has his moments but is generally content but can have his hissy fits!! My MIL thinks I am going to kill C by doing BLW and thinks I am ridiculous for using reusables!!

I am trying to resign myself to the fact that her and I are simply never going to get on, I have robbed her of her precious son and I dint conform to her culture (even though we are the same culture!) god help me if we lived closer to them!

Sorry for the rant.... Long story short you are not alone. MILs are a different breed! Xx

 
 

 
Status: Offline
 
 
 
KarolinaMoon
PF Savvy
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: N.Ireland
Posts: 804


Jan 30th, 2013, 11:16 AM   #10
 
I think you are right rheanny, things are a bit more difficult to take from MIL !! And actually I am like you in that I dont see her as family really....so that could be part of it all. xx

Quote:
Originally Posted by rheannymac View Post
It is so hard with a mother in law. Mine is a nightmare, can't stand her!
I know personally I find things harder to take from the mil. I think I find it difficult because I don't really see her as family to be perfectly honest. I'm not close to her (neither is OH really) therefor when she makes comments and stuff I see it as an outsider doing it and it just gets my back up. I think it's more my own issues with her but I totally get where you are coming from hun! Big hugs xxx
 
 

 
Status: Offline
 
 
 
KarenC
PF Addict
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: North Wales
Posts: 2,113


Jan 30th, 2013, 11:31 AM   #11
 
I think it's easier to take it from your own mum or dad. I always feel judged by my MIL because I'm doing things so differently from her - I do BLW, I use cloth nappies, I carry my baby and don't own a pram, god forbid... she thinks I'm some sort of hippy who will damage my child. I HATE doing BLW in front of her as my MIL is so stressed out by it that she can't even bear to look. Drives me bonkers. It's only because she cares, and she's a good woman, but we are like chalk and cheese in nearly every respect. It doesn't help that we are complete opposites x
 
 

 
Status: Offline
 
 
 
CARNAT22
PF Addict
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: London
Posts: 27,560


Jan 31st, 2013, 07:37 AM   #12
 
Sometimes it feels as though everyone can calm James down better than I can.

I remember one occasion MIL was over and she had James all swaddled and asleep, she handed him to me and he woke up yelping

I view it quite differently though, I am just happy for James to be calm and chilled and I don't mind who soothes him (it's only ever OH, MIL or my Mum anyway)

*James is a lot more well behaved these days but he was a screamy little baby and seemed to know that his screaming really upset me*

xxxxxxxx
 
 

 
Status: Offline
 
 
 
KarolinaMoon
PF Savvy
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: N.Ireland
Posts: 804


Jan 31st, 2013, 11:36 AM   #13
 
Oh yes, sometimes it is just nice to have someone calm babs down for us and give us a break!! lol

With my MIL, it was different though in that I was in the middle of feeding Lanna, and MIL hung over my shoulder with her arms out stretched to take Lanna! I just found it a bit over bearing tbh. My own Mother wouldnt dream of doing the same thing, and if she did I would probably be more open with her in telling her what I thought lol.

That whole day MIL nagged my Hubby about lifting Lanna up on her feet, even though Lanna is naturally pulling up already. She kept saying 'I wouldnt lift Lanna up like that you will damage her back'...blah blah blah.....
Then when hubby went to rub some teething gel on Lannas gums...she nagged at him 'Have you washed your hands'.....Hubby is a 34 year old grown man!!!!! grrrrrrrrrr

Opppppsssss I'm ranting again lol. xxx


Quote:
Originally Posted by CARNAT22 View Post
Sometimes it feels as though everyone can calm James down better than I can.

I remember one occasion MIL was over and she had James all swaddled and asleep, she handed him to me and he woke up yelping

I view it quite differently though, I am just happy for James to be calm and chilled and I don't mind who soothes him (it's only ever OH, MIL or my Mum anyway)

*James is a lot more well behaved these days but he was a screamy little baby and seemed to know that his screaming really upset me*

xxxxxxxx
 
 

 
Status: Offline
 
 
 
CARNAT22
PF Addict
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: London
Posts: 27,560


Jan 31st, 2013, 14:01 PM   #14
 
I did mean to say I totally understand why you were so annoyed (but for some reason I didn't LOL). Helping is one thing, undermining you is totally different and not on.

My MIL is always very respectful with me and despite having had 6 kids herself, she is always very diplomatic actually (the only real instance I can think of was when she asked me for a pair of socks for James as his feet were cold?? but she put it in a very polite and non accusatory way and his poor little feet were freezing LOL!). As well as being a mother of 6 she is also a nurse so I value her opinion and seek her advice a lot. As I say though I am lucky

Although she does nag OH and is forever telling him what to do and what not to do with James.

If it happens again then I think you need to be firm but fair and just tell her to back off, in the nicest possible way of course

xxxxxxx
 
 

 
Status: Offline
 
 
 
babyslog
PF Addict
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: South Wales
Posts: 11,541


Jan 31st, 2013, 21:11 PM   #15
 
shame we cant choose our in-laws haha!! xx
 
 

 
Status: Offline
 
 
Reply

law, mother

Thread Tools


Related Threads
Thread Forum
Mother In Law Second Trimester
Am I a bad mother? Second Trimester
Mother in Law :( Relationships
Anyones OH's mother or mother in law annoying them? Second Trimester
Mother & Baby/Mother & Toddler Parking Spaces Baby & Toddler
womans mother or mans mother. Relationships
Do you get along with your mother-in-law? The Lounge
I'm a bad mother The Lounge